Accepting People as They Are

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZMugsxyLlQ

Video Blog Transcription:

(00:00):

Welcome to the Natural Way of Being video blog. This video is titled “Accepting People as They Are.” In order to accept people as they are, we need to let go of how we need them to be. And so this is where we start on this journey. I'm going to lay out four steps of accepting people as they are.

But first of all, this extends to all types of relationships. It extends to friends, love relationships, acquaintances, coworkers, children, parents, siblings, and family members. No matter what the relationship is, there seems to be this tendency to need people to be things. And sometimes they're willing and able to be those things, and other times they're not. So that's what we're going to explore.

(01:02):

So the first step of accepting people as they are is determining how we need them to be. And this requires a level of honesty to be willing to look at yourself and to be really honest with yourself. It’s asking, “What am I hoping or wanting this person to be?” And some of these qualities might include: Do I want them to be emotionally available? Do I want them to be capable of love? Do I want them to be able to love and accept me as I am (maybe as my ex wasn't able to, or my parents weren't able to do)? Do I really need them to get me and accept me as I am?

(01:54):

Or perhaps in a friend-type relationship: Am I needing them to be trustworthy and reliable, or am I needing them to be fun and spontaneous and adventurous? Or do I need them to be kind of have an open heart and be open with their feelings? Do I need to be open-minded? Do I need them to be spiritually aware? If you're watching this video, perhaps you want them to explore your spirituality with you and talk about these cool spiritual concepts. Are they willing and able to do that?

(02:35):

So the second step gets to be, once we determine what I need them to be, and how I need them to be, the next question is: Are they willing and able to be that? I say, “willing and able” meaning: Are they interested in being what I need them to be? Is that something they want to be?

And the "able" consideration is: Are they even capable of it? Sometimes, the things we need people to be, they're not even capable of. They don't even know that that exists. We want them to be spiritually aware in a way that they can't even conceive of. We want them to have unconditional love, for which they haven't done nearly enough work to be able to do.

Or to be emotionally available- that takes a lot of work. You’ve probably worked on that yourself if you're watching this video. And so the "capable" part is really challenging. We assume that other people are willing and able to do all the things that we are and that we want to do- this is not necessarily so.

(03:50):

So the third step is, once we determine if they are willing and able, to accept them as they are. And this is a step where you may bump into some resistance. You may not want to accept them as they are. And the reason is, once you accept them as they are, you officially need to let go of how you need them to be. And when you let go of how you need them to be, there may be some feelings there. There may be some sadness or some grief. It's like: “I needed them to be this, and they're not willing and able to be that.” Now, all of a sudden, it's really sad.

And so for this reason, sometimes our mind and our ego fight this. You may say, “I'm not gonna let go of how I need them to be.” There's this stubbornness or this willful thing that can come up here. So this third step is really important to cross over this tendency. If we want to be free and we want to actually find someone who can meet our needs, we've got to accept them as they are.

(05:01):

The fourth step is very practical. Now that I've accepted them as they are, what type of relationship, or how does it make sense to them? So if they are emotionally available and capable of depth, then it makes sense to have a deep relationship with them, whether it be a friendship or a romantic relationship. If they're not willing and able to be emotionally available, be open, go deep, and be intimate, then it doesn't make sense to try to do that.