Judgement or Connection

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MffBFVAJyXY

Video Blog Transcription:

(00:00):

Judgment is typically based on expecting someone to be other than who they are, or it could be expecting something or a situation to be other than it is. It's often wanting the person or situation to be more in line with how I need them to be or what I'm comfortable with.

So when you notice yourself judging (and we all judge things, so we have to get over that). When we notice ourselves judging, it can be really useful to say, “Well, what was I expecting him to be? Or what was I expecting this situation to be?” And that can take us really down to the core of our judgment in a hurry.

You know, my teacher that I worked with for a long time used to ask me a similar question. If I were sitting there stewing on something, or upset, or disappointed about something, he'd say, “Well, what were you expecting, Mike?”

(01:03):

So I'll kind of make up an example of how that might have been. Say that I was disappointed and hurt that my boss didn't consider the suggestion that I offered. So (my teacher) would say, “Well, what were you expecting?”

And I'd say, “Well, I was expecting that (my boss) would consider it, it was a damn good idea. And I'd expect him to be a little more open-minded.” And he'd kind of just say, “Oh?” And then he'd let me kind of stew in it, you know?

And then I would do some inquiry work. I would just kind of figure, well, so first of all, (my boss) isn't very open-minded, and he doesn't really seem to be interested in other people's views. He just wants to use his views. And besides that, he may not even be capable of understanding my suggestion. That's just not his style or way of doing things.

(01:56):

So then, when I'd see that it wasn't realistic to expect him to be other than who he is, I would start to let go of the expectation. And when I let go of the expectation, the judgment would dissipate.

What's interesting about us judging people is that most of the things that we want people to be, they're not even capable of. Or they may not even be interested in, kind of like my boss example.

We used to say willing or able, in that they're not willing or able to be the thing that we want them to be, or that we need them to be. So we're like trying to control them to be this thing, and they're not even interested or even able to do it. So that's some of the insanity about this.

(02:45):

So then for the first time, when we let go of judgment, we get the opportunity to connect with them as they really are. And then we get to realize for the first time that they are different from us. And they have different perspectives and different views, and that this is okay.

There's now some different-ness and diversity in the situation, which allows us to grow. Because now I'm no longer in my bubble, controlling them to be what I need them to be. I'm now interacting with them as they are.

And now I get to see that they have different perspectives, and they have different feelings and different opinions. I learn about them. I learn about myself in contrast to them, and I'm now interacting with the world the way it is.

(03:42):

The other thing that naturally happens when we let go of our judgment of someone is that we get the ability to have a deeper connection with them. Because what happens is this innate curiosity and inquisitiveness replaces the judgment, because that's our natural state. Our natural way of being is to be curious and to want to discover who and what they are.

And it becomes more natural to just allow their energy in. See, because they're no longer threatening to us. What I mean is, when I needed them to be something, if they were not that, it was threatening to me. But now that I don't need them to be anything, they can be whoever they are, and it's not threatening to me, so I can allow their energy in.

(04:34):

And when I allow their energy in to discover who they are, I get empathy; my empathy comes online. And I begin to almost feel what it's like to be them. And then with that empathy, I feel close to them, and my intimacy comes online.

So all this cool stuff becomes available when we let go of our judgment. So it sounds like a no-brainer, right? On paper, we would be like, “Of course, we'll let go of our judgment.” But as you might expect, when you're actually in life experience, sometimes it's not so easy to let go of your judgment.

We're really kind of embroiled in it. We might be invested in being right. We want this situation and person to be the way we think they should be.