Relationship Clarity

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qY6ehy24r30

Published on 8/30/2021.

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~Michael Hoffman

Video Blog Transcription:

(00:00):

Relationships are subjective by their very nature, especially when your heart is open. When you're really open and you're relating to someone, there can be this kind of blending of energy. And sometimes it's difficult to tell where you end and the other person begins.

And this can be really cool when you're with your partner, and you're being intimate, and you're having this intimacy and this closeness. It's great to just get lost in it. We're just this blended we of love, and that can be great.

But there are also other times when it's useful to clarify what's about you, and what's about them. In my book, Natural Way of Being, I call this process clarification. It’s clarifying what's about you and what's about them.

(00:54):

There are two basic types of misperceptions that happen when we're not clear in a relationship. The first type is when I project something about me onto the other person, when we project onto them.

For example, say that I'm sharing something vulnerable. And, I think she's being judgmental. And perhaps she is, or perhaps that I tend to get kind of self-conscious when I'm vulnerable, and I'm projecting that onto her.

Maybe she just didn't make the right facial expression, and I say she's being judgmental. See, now that would be about me and not about her. Or maybe she was being judgmental, which would be about her. That's what we're clarifying here.

(01:48):

Now, the second type is when someone says or implies something about me, and then I take it on and make it about me. It's something about them, maybe it is a judgment, and then I take it on and make it about me.

So, for an example of this second type, say someone you're relating to, say your significant other or your best friend, says, “You're being too sensitive.” So then the question or clarification gets to be, “Is that about me, or is that about them?

And just say, you are really sensitive. And so there's a real tendency. It's like, “Oh, I am sensitive. So I must be too sensitive.”

But there's a real clue here to discern. The fact that they said you are being too sensitive leads me to think that it's probably more about them. And the way I sometimes translate this with my clients is what the person is actually saying is, “You're being too sensitive for me.”

(02:59):

And it's not just sensitive. It could be that you're being too intense for me or being too serious for me. And maybe you are intense. Maybe you are serious. Maybe you are sensitive. I'm kind of all of those things. But you're just being you. So if it's too this or too that, the issue is probably about them.

So then you have clarity about what's about you and what's about them. You can say to yourself, “Yes, I am really sensitive, that's my nature. And it seems like right now my level of sensitivity is uncomfortable for my partner.

And so then you don't have to take on their stuff, and you don't have to shut down your sensitivity, openness, love, or whatever. You can allow it to be about them.

And then we don't have to go into these neurotic spirals of, “Oh my God, I'm being too sensitive, and there's something wrong with me. And I should be a little less this way, and I'm being uncomfortable to them.” We can just spare ourselves that whole deal.

(04:10):

And then we can have this clarity. We can be clear about how I am in my relationship. What's about me, and what's about them. I accept and own my stuff, and allow their stuff to be about them.

So then you can respond back to them in a clear manner. I might say something like, “Yes, I am really sensitive, that's kind of the way I am. And it seems that right now my level of sensitivity is either uncomfortable, or annoying, or whatever else for you.”

“So I wonder what we can do. Is there a way that I can be sensitive and yet have it so it's not uncomfortable to you? What can we do here? How can we work this out?”

So anyway, that is my talk for this week. Thank you for watching. I hope you have an awesome week and that you're able to clarify what's about you, and what's about the person or people that you're relating to. So have a great week.